So, there'd something to be said for keeping your feet on the ground. You see, if you keep those feet firmly on the ground, then it's not quite as painful when your bubble burst and you plumet back into reality, where you belong.
Allow me to explain.. I've been single for a LONG time. since William (my wonderful son) was 18 months old, really. (To put this into perspective, William just turned 18.) For various reasons, I just never got back in the "game" so-to-speak. I dated, yes.. I had some bad experiences, some TERRIBLE ones, and a few pretty great ones, but nothing ever stuck. After awhile, I just dropped out completely, and focused on raising my son and getting myself into a position at work that I would be happy and fulfilled. And, all-in-all, I was ok with that.. until recently.
You see, now my son is 18.. and although I'm not through raising him (are you ever REALLY through raising your children? I don't think so, just ask my mom) I am a little more free. I can concentrate on myself more now, not focus solely on him and his well-being. He's starting to stretch out his wings and make a life for himself. And so, I think it's time for me to start making a life for myself as well. I love my job, although I do get frustrated and a little burned-out from time to time. So, on to my personal life... a brief history...
So many many moons ago, I met a young man in my Sunday School group, and we hit it off, and dated, and got engaged, and got married, and fell out of love, and divorced. Then, I met several "friend-of-a-friend"s, and a few strangers, and a few more friend-of-a-friends. I had a few sucessful but short relationships with people I met online. Then, I dropped out. I joined a dating service several years ago, and met a man, and we had a short, passionate fling, that eventually turned dark and ugly and dirty. ("No, I'm sorry, I am NOT ok with us "hooking up" at NoTell Motel for a few hours, ASSHOLE. More on!") During that time, my mom's mom, my Ganny, had a stroke, and my mom and I spent several months caring for her until she passed away almost three years ago. Then teenager rearing, and now we are back at present-day life as I know it.
Recently, I have come to realize that I am lonely. Sometimes just a little lonely, sometimes I am "curl up in the bed and sleep for 18 hours" lonely. I want a partner, a friend, a companion, a confidant. Someone to spend time with, and just sit with, and to miss when we are apart. Now.. WHERE does one go when you are a sometimes mature, 37 year old single mom who has not been in the dating pool for YEARS? I have NO DAMN IDEA!!! So, when a patient of mine told me about an app called Plenty Of Fish, or POF as users call it, I thought, "Hey, why not? Unlike some "online dating" services, I don't have to get a loan from the bank to pay for it, I can meet local guys who hopefully are not just looking for a booty-call, and I might find Mr. Right!" So, I took a little time the other night, got on the website, and set up a profile, complete with recent photo and personality assessment.
The next morning, I had a few "matches" listed, a few guys who "Want to meet Me", and a message from a 40-something year old man who, based on profile information and pictures, seemed to be "just my type". So, I proceed to answer his email, express a desire to get to know a little more about him too, and a willingness to correspond. Here we go! Let the ride begin.
So, the first bubble started to grow just from the fact that this guy seemed like my type, and had seen a recent picture of me, and was actually interested. (Ok, OK, so I have some body-issues... they are my issues, and I wear them with shame. Who doesn't have body issues, right? Very few of us like the look of ourselves naked in the mirror, under fluorescent lights.. ESPECIALLY if you happen to be standing in front of one of those carnival fun house style triple mirrors that give you a nearly 360 degree view of your body.. ohh God, I feel faint....)
Anyway, he read about me, he saw me, and he still sent a message, Yea me!!
Then, as we chatted, A few more bubbles started to grow, and I started to feel like I was standing on tip-toe a little. He's nice and polite, he is a single dad, he owns his own business, he likes a lot of the same things I like... he thinks that our finding each other on POF was very lucky. Where has this man been all my life??
He tells me, just in passing, that he has a culinary arts degree, and was a chef for 11 years. SCORE! I LOVE to cook sometimes, but I love to eat good food when I don't feel like cooking. (Is that another bubble growing? Yep, it is..) He likes hugs, and kisses, and cuddling, and all that mushy love stuff (that noise you hear, that's another bubble swelling up) He loves the outdoors, and is a TOTAL movie buff, like ME!! (Oh my goodness... I can see my house from here!!!)
You see, when I am happy, or excited about something, I want to tell people about it.. now, my best friend is a little busy right now in her own world.. and my mom, well, she's my mom, and although she is usually happy for me when I am happy, and sad for me when I am sad, well, she's my mom. She's supposed to be the voice of reason. I didn't want the voice of reason right now, I wanted someone to just be happy with me. Well, I told some of the girls at work.. and although they didn't seem as excited for me as I wanted them too, it was still noce to tell someone about it. Until THEY decided to bust out with the voice of reason bullshit.
"Who is this guy, really? How do you know he's telling you the truth? Why would someone with a culinary arts degree have a lawn and landscaping business? Did you "Google" him? What if he's a serial killer?" All of these questions are valid... don't get me wrong. But because of my past, of the things that happened to me when I was younger, it's HARD for me to trust. For me to let men in.. for me to open myself up, and feel confident that a man likes me for who I AM, not what he wants to get from me.. and so those old wheels of doubt started to turn... POP! POP! POP! POP! CRASH!
CRAP!! SHIT!! DOUBLE SHIT!! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY FOR ONCE!?!?!
Now I feel sick, nauseaous, ready to hurl.. my head is spinning.. "WHO is this guy really? How do I know he's telling me the TRUTH? Why WOULD someone with a culinary arts degree have a lawn and landscaping business? Why can't I find anything about him on Google? Or Spokeo? Or ANYWHERE online? What if he's a raping serial killer???" Shit... SHIT.. SHIT!!!
I am going to be alone FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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